Setting Boundaries: Navigating the People Pleaser's Dilemma

CONFIDENCE AND RESILIENCE

Rebecca Ford Johnson

3/25/20243 min read

Setting Boundaries When You're a People Pleaser

I saw a great post by @thebraincoach the other day; it had examples of how to set boundaries when you're a people pleaser and it inspired me to write this. I've taken a couple of their examples but developed them slightly for my audience.

I'd guess that 90% of my clients tell me at some stage that they are a people pleaser. What might be an inherent personality trait is reinforced by years of working in an organisation that values those who say "yes" to whatever is sent their way, and work as many hours as are needed to get the job done. That's great for business, but not such a great work habit. In my work with new parents returning to the office, struggling to set boundaries often comes up.

Some of the strategies I talk to coachees about include:

making sure you're clear about what you would like your boundaries to be (within the remit of the job you are doing - if you're a lawyer, you're unlikely to be able to stick to a 9-5 rule); where you are prepared to flex, and what your "red lines" are. For example, your ideal working week might be 9-5 with a couple of hours offline for nursery pick up and bath / bedtime, then back online if needed, until 8 pm at the latest. You might be prepared to flex and think that you can miss nursery pick up a couple of days a week, and you might need to work a little later one or two nights; but your red lines are 2 nights a week at the ideal scenario. Write this down somewhere so you can remind yourself.

have a conversation with your manager explaining what you are hoping your working week will look like; hopefully they will be supportive so that when you are required to challenge yourself by trying to stick to your boundaries, you can remind yourself that your boss is on board.

be aware of the fact that your brain is trying to protect you by getting scared about this (see Steve Peters' Chimp Model) but remind yourself that no-one else is going to set these boundaries for you.

practice - this is most likely a new skill you're learning, and it will take time to master it.

All well and good, but when it comes to the crunch, how do you actually go about saying "no" without coming across as someone who isn't a team player and isn't prepared to pull their weight (because that's mostly what our Chimp brains are scared of). Here are some examples to try out....

Instead of "I'm a bit busy but I'll see if I can fit it in", or "no I can't help you because I'm too busy", try "I wish I could, but given my current workload I won't be able to do it until next week - if it can wait until then I can take it on, but if not then I'm afraid I can't".
Instead of "I'm not sure if I can make that time, I might need to move a few things around", or "no I can't make that time because I need to pick my child up from nursery and my partner is out tonight which means I need to leave at 5 pm", try "I can't make 5 pm tonight but I could do 4 pm, 8 pm, or 9 am tomorrow - do any of those work for you?".
Instead of "Thanks for the invite, I've got quite a lot on but I'll try and be there", try "Thanks for the invite, I won't be able to make it this time but I'd love to catch up another time".

Give it a go, and remember to check in with yourself every now and again - noticing what has worked well, and what has been more challenging.