Managing unhelpful thoughts

We can’t control our thoughts – anyone who’s ever tried to meditate will know that the thoughts will come whether or not we try to stop them. It’s part of being human – and in many ways it’s our brain being helpful and amazing. But sometimes it’s not helpful.  So what can you do when your brain just won’t stop throwing unhelpful thoughts in?

The key is to realise that it’s not about stopping those thoughts, it’s about managing our relationship with them. Realising that we don’t have to believe them or even follow them. That sounds great if we’re with a zen master on a meditation retreat, but how can you do this in real life?

As a starter, this is impossible if you’re in a state of overwhelm or high stress / high alert. So the first step is to calm the nervous system a little:

• at a minimum, take three deep breaths (focus on the out breath as a longer exhale helps signal to the nervous system that you’re safe).  

• If you can, take a few minutes to step away from your desk to look out of the window, or take a short walk - see my 2 minute reset for some structure around this so you don’t just end up with a head full of swirling thoughts.

Once you’ve done that, you can then follow one or all of these techniques (try each of them and see what works best for you). These techniques are different tools for different moments, so you don’t need to use all of them every time. You might also find that you just click better with one.

To make this most effective, I’ll use one example throughout: “I’m not up to this”. Try swapping in your common unhelpful thought as you read.

1. Accept the thoughts: most useful when a thought keeps looping

We spend so much energy trying to stop feeling “bad”. What happens if we allow unhelpful thoughts and emotions to be present? Can you notice how they make you feel (perhaps uncomfortable, scared, worried) and remind yourself that you have a choice about whether to attach to these thoughts? Can you let them come and allow them just to be?

One of my favourite metaphors from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy is the beach ball: imagine that you’re in a swimming pool and you’re pushing a beachball down under the water. That takes a lot of energy and focus. If you let go, the ball pops back up to the surface. When we spend time and energy pushing away or arguing with unhelpful thoughts it is like pushing down a beachball in the water.

What would happen if instead we just let go of the beachball? If we simply allowed it to float on the surface of the water next to us and noticed it floating around. We know it’s there but it isn’t taking up all of our focus and energy. We can accept its existence but choose to focus on other things.

Every now and again the wind will blow it our way, it will tap us on the shoulder to remind us that it’s there but that’s ok, we can think “oh there’s the beachball again” but we don’t need to pick it back up. You might like to think to yourself “thanks mind, I know you’re trying to protect me but I’ve got this”.

For example, when “I’m not up to this” shows up, rather than telling yourself to stop thinking it, you might simply say “there’s that thought again”, notice the tightness in your shoulders, and let that thought sit alongside you as you carry on with what you were doing.

2. Be curious about the thoughts: most useful when a thought seems to point at something you care about and you have time to reflect

What is your brain trying to protect you from with this thought? What can you learn from it? Often these thoughts show up in relation to things you care the most about. Can you be curious and non-judgemental about them? What’s the narrative that is playing out here – do you recognise it? It may once have helped you, but how might it no longer be serving you?

Try writing the thought down and finishing the sentence “My mind is trying to protect me from…”. With our example, it might be “…failing, or being found out” – which can simply remind you how much you care about doing this well.

3. Reframe the thoughts: most useful when you’re catastrophising or a thought is particularly harsh or sweeping

Try adding “but” onto the end of the thought and see what follows. For example “I’m not up to this, but I’ve managed this before and if I take it one step at a time I’ll be ok”.

You might ask yourself “what would I say to a friend”? If your thoughts are catastrophising or jumping to worst-case scenarios try asking yourself “and then what would happen? What would I learn?”. You could also try “what is the most likely scenario”? Another option is to bring in your values: what would you like to think here that aligns with the kind of person you want to be?

Reframing isn’t about arguing with a thought or forcing yourself to think positively when you’re feeling overwhelmed – it’s about widening your perspective so that the thought is just one possibility among several.

4. Bring in the positive: a daily habit rather than an in-the-moment tool

Make a conscious effort each day to notice what you have done that has gone well – a positive experience. Over time this trains your brain to notice more of what’s going well. Also notice something that didn’t go as well as you’d hoped, or didn’t feel comfortable, but where you learned from the experience or there was some element of a positive outcome (growth mindset).

An important note: this all sounds easy but it isn’t – it takes practice and consistency. If you find it hard, that’s normal – have a growth mindset and keep trying. Above all be kind to yourself (listen to this podcast on self-compassion with Dr Kristin Neff) and don't forget the other important aspects of managing stress and overwhelm.

If you’d like support and guidance putting these techniques into practice, get in touch to find out about working with me.

-------------

If unhelpful thoughts are persistent, very distressing or affecting your sleep or daily life, it’s worth talking to your GP or a qualified therapist – you don’t have to manage this on your own.

[image: a beachball; the relevance of which becomes clear if you keep reading]

© 2026 Westbrook Coaching Limited trading as Rebecca Ford Johnson. All rights reserved.